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(originally published on my other blog, Head to Toe)

Do you remember that girl in high school, the one who had perfect hair, always dressed in the latest fashions, had a great car and a great boyfriend, who epitomized Popularity?  Her life seemed so perfect to you?  For me, that was Kerri Lewis Brock.  She had it all, or so we all thought.  It turns out that she felt very insecure most of the time.

It just goes to show that we shouldn’t judge anyone by what we see on the outside, by what we think about what they are showing us.  And we really needn’t compare ourselves to anyone else; we are all in this together, as women, as mothers, and as friends.

After the first Beauty, Defined, Kerri and I had an interesting conversation on Facebook.  I convinced her to continue that conversation here, and I know that you, Lovely Readers, will be as awed by her raw honesty, and by her story, as I was.  Truly, wonderfully beautiful.  Read on:

How do you define beauty?

A lot different than I used to! I used to think that a woman had to be pencil thin, have a perfect complexion and long blond hair to be beautiful. Now, I look more towards the inside. A woman who treats everyone with respect. A woman who puts her family above herself…that’s how I define beauty.

How does that definition show up in your everyday life?

Easy. I don’t take care of myself the way I should. My main focus is my family. I used to ’starve’ myself to be thin. I had a bumper sticker on my mirror in high school that said, “Nothing Tastes as Good as Thin Feels.” I totally believed that. Now, it’s all about my kids and husband. I do what will make them happy and feel good about themselves. Sometimes, I guess, I figure it is too late for me. However, if I can raise these 3 babies of mine to have confidence in themselves, I will be happy.

When did that feeling (of needing to starve yourself to be thin) change for you?  How did you change that mindset for yourself?

I finally found someone who accepted me for who I was and I didn’t feel like I had to be someone I wasn’t.

What are five products you cannot live without (desert island picks)?

If I can be honest…I don’t have any products I can’t live without. I mean, I need toothpaste (which ever is cheapest), Dial soap (my dad always told me Dial soap cured his acne), Deodorant (I like Lady Mitchum, but any will do)…that’s about it. I sometimes use Dawn dishwashing liquid as bubble bath, so obviously, I am not picky.

Of those five, which is the number one thing you can’t live without?

Of these things? I am assuming I am by myself on this desert island, so…toothpaste. I can’t stand my teeth feeling dirty.

Who would you consider your style mentor, and why?

Honestly, that is hard. I really love Diane Keaton! I know she is older, but her style is like what I would like mine to be, if I spent money and time on myself. My mom used to buy me things from The Limited and I liked those very much.

What would you like your daughters to learn?

First, I want my daughters to know that they are beautiful no matter what anyone else thinks.

And second?

Second? I guess I hope that I haven’t set a bad example for my daughters. They are old enough now that they can tell I am not comfortable with myself. I find them ‘boosting’ my ego from time to time and it makes me sad. It is one thing for my husband to have to constantly encourage me, but daughters need a strong female role model. My biggest fear is that my children will be nearly 40 and still not comfortable in their own skin.

When in your life do you/did you feel the most beautiful? And why?

I have no idea. I have never felt good enough or smart enough or pretty enough. I tried to come across as a totally different person when I was younger and I think that some people got the wrong opinion of me. That I was full of myself or snotty or whatever. If truth be told, I was probably the most insecure girl in my class. When I was homecoming candidate…you could have knocked me over with a feather. I didn’t think I was worthy. (Ed. note:  This is what really blew me away.  We had no idea.  Had we known she felt this way, our high school experiences might have been different!)

So, do you still feel that way now, even after all that you’ve been through in your life, and now that you have such a loving husband and family?  And if you do feel that way about yourself, what helps those feelings?  Does being on stage help?

I do still have many issues. You are right:  I have a GREAT support system in my home. I thank God everyday that I married Kenny. He is always here, listening and trying to make me feel good about myself. And my babies? They are my heart!

However, as I get older, I realize no one can make you feel good about you. You have to do that by yourself.

As for acting, it is my outlet. My way of being who I have always wanted to be. My way to yell at people and cry and make fun of myself and just be someone else for a while.

I know you’ve had surgery to help you lose weight.  What led you to that decision?  How has the result changed/not changed your life and your thoughts about yourself?

I felt I was never good enough growing up. No matter who I dated or who my friends were, I always thought they were in it because they felt sorry for me. Never, did I once think that I was a good person and worthy of their love. Anyway, when I started having kids, I started gaining weight. Gaining weight was taboo in my family.  By this time, though, it was ‘okay.’  No one said anything. I had a GREAT husband, who loved me and 3 babies who I adored more than anything.

There was always this feeling, though. This “Nothing Tastes as Good As Thin Feels” feeling. Plus, I was getting really unhealthy. I was diabetic. I had sleep apnea. So, I read about weight loss surgery. I cried and cried. I didn’t want to do it. I decided on the lap band, because it was more safe. I went to the required meetings and I was happy with my decision.  Then I found out my insurance wouldn’t pay for it. They would only pay for the gastric bypass.

I was scared. I had read about people dying from this surgery. I didn’t want my babies to grow up without a Mommy because I couldn’t diet! I did it, though. I remember as I was on the table, my dad came in and said, “You don’t have to do this.” I cried. I was scared. I didn’t want to do this. I didn’t want to die. I didn’t want to have my insides cut up. I wanted to just be Kerri. The Kerri I was in high school. Well, the way I looked then…not the way I felt. I did it, though.

When I woke up, I felt less.  I remember sobbing the first night after surgery. I was sore and I was miserable AND my television was broken. I laid in the dark, quiet. Then, the man in the next room to me started screaming. He was an elderly man from a nursing home. He was yelling (I will never forget) “HELP ME…PLEASE SOMEONE HELP ME” All night, he yelled. I thought about my future that night. Would I be in a nursing home yelling the same thing? I wanted to die. The thought of being that man was more than I could stand. But, I made it through that night.

The hospital brought me a new TV and I made it through the rest of my stay there. When the man would yell, I would turn up the TV! In 3 days, I came home. I felt sorry for myself at first. I could eat nothing but 1/2 a scrambled egg and some refried beans. After about 6 months, I lost 100 pound and could eat most of what I wanted. I felt GREAT! Our family went on the best vacation ever that year. Memphis..to Mt Airy, North Carolina..to Daytona Beach..to Disney World. I can honestly say that this was the best vacation ever. I felt amazing.

So, now…I don’t feel so amazing. While I am still nearly the same size I was on our vacation, I don’t feel as good. I may be ‘thin’, but the years of vitamin deficiency have taken a toll. Mentally and physically.

I have started taking liquid vitamins to help absorb them better. My iron is low, so I take my iron pills. I am working my way back to normal. One day, I hope to sleep all night long and wake up in the morning feeling rested and happy and ready to face the world. My hope is that after I drive my kids to school, I will come home and not want to crawl back into bed.

Mainly, what I want is to be able to appreciate the wonderful life I have. I live in a beautiful house. I have a supportive husband. I have three kids who love me. I, honestly, couldn’t ask for more.

Thanks for asking me these questions, Jamie. It has really helped me see things in a different light. You have made me want to start taking better care of myself!

You’re welcome, Kerri!  Thank you!  I have to say I’m honored that you’ve shared your story so honestly with me, and with our readers.  I appreciate that more than you will ever know!

In character, in manner, in style, in all things, the supreme excellence is simplicity.

(originally published on my other blog, Head to Toe)

At least twice a week, I talk on the phone with one of my oldest and dearest friends, Keely Abeln.  We can talk about anything, and we do—she often blows me away with her insights, and, since we became friends 18 years ago (holy cannolli!!), she never ceases to make me laugh.  She’s stunningly gorgeous, with these bright blue eyes and sparkly lashes, and has a great sense of fashion; last week, Beauty, Definedfeatured her daughters, and this week, she and I talked about her thoughts on beauty.

How do you define beauty?

How a person feels inside and out (sounds cheesy).

Not necessarily cheesy; it’s true, I think.  But I’m curious what you mean exactly, as my thoughts on that might be different than yours.

I think a person’s actions make them beautiful, or notbeautiful. People who appear beautiful can do ugly things and vice versa. That is a person’s inside coming out…ew..that sounds a bit gross (ed. note—ha!)…that can enhance or detract from their beauty.

That’s complete true.  I wonder how many of us have met someone who initially was gorgeous, but then, by their actions, became less so in our eyes.  And the other way around, of course, as you mentioned.  How does that way of defining beauty show up in your everyday life?

I don’t know.  Everyone has an ugly moment now or then, but what is your core? I am happy and I try to be fair and understanding. I teach middle school and I try to be these things, but sometimes it is difficult after you have heard the same excuse or answered the same question for the 10th time. I think there are days that my students get a more “beautiful” me than my family.  I think the term “beauty sleep” is not just for the puffiness under our eyes; I think the rest makes us more understanding and patient with those around us. It lets us have more beautiful moments in our day. Beauty is not just the quick 10 minute make-up session in front of the mirror. Beauty is who you are inside and out. Your actions are a huge part of that.

I completely agree. What are the five products you cannot live without (your Desert Islandproducts, so to speak)?

• Mary Kay Facial Cleanser
• Bare Escentuals Mineral base/cover
• Lipgloss
• Chapstick
• ponytail holder, since there is probably no electricity for my CHI.

If you had to choose between these five, what would be the number one product you depend on every single day?

Mineral base/cover-this would be my #1 pick.

Who do you consider your beauty or style mentor and why?

I am not sure I have one, but I love to put on outfits that make me feel like Audrey Hepburn. When I was younger and I would have a sick day from school, my mom would rent old musicals and movies and we would watch them together. How to Marry a Millionaire, American in Paris, Funny Face.  I hope that some of that classic style rubbed off on me. Sometimes I think I get classic and simple a little mixed up. Jeans and a black shirt would be my life uniform if I had to pick one outfit to wear forever. Is that classic or simple?

I would say both.  It’s easy to be simple, harder to be classic, and I think you hit both nails on the head directly.  Your style is very Audrey Hepburn.  Speaking of your mother, what did she teach you about beauty?

She was a Mary Kay consultant and she taught me to always clean my face every night and morning. I still do not go to bed with make-up on. She also taught me that a man does not define who you are. Probably does not have much to do with beauty, but she really drove that point home.

I think it has to do with self-confidence, which is directly tied into beauty and how we feel about ourselves on a daily basis.  She was a smart woman, your mother.

When in your life did you/do you most feel beautiful?

1. When my kids look at me like I am everything to them.
2. When I feel confident at something.
3. When I am trying something new that is out of my comfort zone. (Opposite of #2)
4. When I am having a good hair day.
5. When I have on a good pair of jeans and boots.
6. When I am laughing-even if it includes a snort.

Thanks for talking with me about beauty, Keely.  I’ve enjoyed this discussion!  I appreciate you and your beauty, inside and out.

Love of beauty is taste.  The creation of beauty is art.

(originally published on my other blog, Head to Toe)

Two of my favorite people in the world happen to be under the age of 7—Kendal and Audrey, daughters of one of my best friends.  Kendal is now a whopping 6 years old, and her sister Audrey will be 4 in March.  I had their mother, Keely, interview them for Head to Toe, as the second episode of the feature, Beauty, Defined.  I thoroughly enjoyed their takes on beauty and what it means in their lives.

Audrey, age 3 (almost 4)

How do you define beauty? What makes you pretty?

Someone who looks beautiful.

What makes them beautiful?

Jewelry and make-up.

How does that show up every day? How do you make yourself beautiful?

By dressing up in dresses and crowns and jewelry…I have a lot of answers.

What are 5 things you would take on a deserted island?

An elephant, frog, cubby, pillow and blanket.  (Ed. note: All necessary things on an island, of course).

What are 5 things that make you feel pretty?

Dress, jewelry, crown, earrings, jewels

Who do you think is the most beautiful person you know?

Or handsomest?

Sure.

Will. (Ed. note:  Will is in her preschool class)

What has your mommy taught you about beauty?

Dressing up pretty.

Anything else?

Wearing buttons.

When do you feel the most beautiful?

When we go to pretty stores.

What stores?

Toys R Us.

Any other stores?

Wal-mart.

What makes those stores pretty?

The toys.

Kendal, age 6.

How do you define beauty? What makes you pretty?

Make-up.

Anything else?

Curly eyelashes.

Is that it?

Lips.

How does that show up every day?

By being fancy.

What makes you fancy?

Eating fancy.

How do you eat fancy?

Like chewing with your mouth closed, not putting your elbows on the table and using your napkin.

(Ed. note:  This is great.  Kendal touches on the fact that manners are beautiful and important.  I love that.)

What are 5 things you would take on a deserted island?

Swimsuit, swimming ring, beach ball, surfboard, food and drinks.  (Ed. note: Naturally)

What are 5 things that make you feel pretty?

Lipstick, eye shadow, comb, jewelry, and Chapstick to make my lips shiny.

Who do you think is the most beautiful person you know?

Mom-I always love [her] hair.  (I’m fairly certain that this answer made Keely’s heart swell up like a big balloon).

What has your mommy taught you about beauty?

I don’t know.

How about being a princess?

Wearing a dress and to be someone who is nice and brave.

When do you feel the most beautiful?

When I wear make-up.

What kind of make-up?

Chap Stick.

When do you wear make-up?

I have some in my closet and I have decided to wear it on my birthday.

(originally published at my other blog, Head to Toe)

I admit it:  I love fashion.  I also love how democratic watching the shows has become; I used to salivate, waiting for Vogue so that I could see what was shown at NY Fashion Week, and now, with this wonderful Internet, can watch shows pretty soon after they happen.  It’s pretty great.

One of my favorite blogs is Garance Dore’s, and she’s got this great video of a show in NY, At Altuzarra. Please take a few moments to watch it.  This guy is amazing—and I adore all of the designs, and it’s got a bit at the beginning where you can watch the backstage make-up and hair magic begin to happen.

Enjoy!

(originally published on my other blog, Head to Toe)

One of the things I’m interested in is how normal, everyday women define beauty; I think we are inundated with celebrity and movie star images and opinions on style and beauty—and sometimes we lose sight of the reality of beauty in our lives.  I thought about how we can address this curiosity.

I started talking with my friend Shawn Lent.  Shawn is this wonderful little spitfire of energy, radiating kindness and joy from every pore.  She’s a dancer, an arts integration specialist, a teacher, and she is the guinea pig in this little adventure of a weekly feature I’m calling Beauty, Defined.  I’ve asked her some questions, begged her to participate in this experiment, and here is the result, just for you, Lovely Readers:

How do you define beauty?

This a more complex question than I originally thought.  I started with the idea of authenticity and glamour, then went to Wikipedia and found the following quote, “In its most profound sense, beauty may engender a salient experience of positive reflection about the meaning of one’s own existence.” And then I read the following and agreed, “The characterization of a person as “beautiful”, whether on an individual basis or by community consensus, is often based on some combination of Inner Beauty, which includes psychological factors such as personality, intelligence, grace, congeniality, charm,integrity, congruity and elegance, and Outer Beauty, (i.e. physical attractiveness) which includes physical factors, such as health,youthfulness, sexiness, symmetry, averageness, and complexion.”  I love that part about individual basis or community consensus.

I love that answer.  I wonder, when you look at this list, which of the words (both psychological and ‘outer’) do you most identify with when you consider your own self, your own beauty?

I’m going with charm and sexiness.

Oh, both of those words definitely fit you! How does this way of defining beauty show up in your life?

As for my own beauty in my own life, I have made a commitment this year to looking and feeling my best.  I’m coming into my own while playing the part.  I’ve seemed to find a look that is multifunctional (professional, artistic, eclectic, dance field appropriate, plus sexy and fun).  And this look is authentic to who I am.  Yet at the same time, I have limited by own beauty routine to 50 minutes, including shower and blow-dry/straightening and makeup and wardrobe.  I also have increased the number of facials, threading, etc. that I receive, within budget and without distracting from my active lifestyle, work and volunteer activities and travels and social life.

What are the five products you cannot live without (your Desert Island products, so to speak)?

• Dermalogica Skin Resurfacing Cleanser
• KMS Hairplay
• Enjoy Shine and Smooth
• Bath and Body Works, Zero Tolerance for Face SPF 45
• Carmex

Of these 5 things you chose, which is the most important, can’t live without it, thing?

If I were stuck on an island, I wouldn’t survive too long without my Carmex.  But if there were a potential date there, I would want my Dermalogica Skin Resurfacing Cleanser.

Who do you consider your beauty or style mentor and why?

I don’t really have a style mentor.  I’ve always felt a bit lost, not having a sister or a relative to talk about these things with.  I get professional advice from wherever I can and do a lot of trial and error.  I read magazines, search the Internet, ask friends and sales people… whatever I can do.

What did your mother teach you about beauty?

As for my mother, she lives for others at the expense of herself for years.  She has a very limited beauty ritual but is starting to have more fun with it this past year.  She has not once been to the doctor or to any sort of beauty service, gym, hair removal, etc. since I’ve been alive.  She is lucky to have natural beauty, but now is the time to treat herself and to get healthy.  I want her to realize how important she is.

When in your life did you/do you most feel beautiful?

The time I felt I was at my most beautiful was while on vacation in Thailand.  It was too hot for makeup, too humid to worry about your hair, and the only wardrobe option was a bikini… all day! I felt naturally beautiful with a natural tan, cleaner pores than I’ve ever had, and a legitimate reason to show off my abs.  And when pearl trader from New York followed me around the islands, I was positively glowing.

I love that answer!  It says so much about being proud to be yourself, bare and natural.  Thanks, Shawn!  I appreciate your candor and your beauty!

This afternoon, I trudged to the El in the heavy snow, and headed downtown to teach my two classes of the day.  I just knew for certain that the college where I teach wouldn’t cancel classes—they rarely do, in the event of snow.

I got to the building, and the first thing I heard was that all campus buildings were closing at 5; when I got up to my department’s office, they said the same thing, and that all of the other professors had cancelled afternoon classes.  So, that’s what I did, too.

On the commute home, I had a great time people-watching.  So many people were revved up because of the snow; it was like when we were kids: school cancelled, we were free and easy, playing in our snowsuits outside, then heading back inside for hot chocolate and coziness.

Man, I sometimes miss that freedom, the freedom felt as a kid on a snow day.  Do you remember playing with makeup and dress up clothes when you were a little girl?  That’s the same kind of freedom—lack of judgment from yourself and others.  Some of the things we came up with while playing dress up, or building forts in the snow!  We could have ruled the world.

Imagine what it would be like if we still felt like makeup and clothes were meant for fun, for play.  Imagine what it would be like if our work days felt like snow days—the possibility, the inspiration that grows from play, the creativity.

The world might be a more colorful place, for sure, what with all of the sparkly blue eyeshadow and mismatched garments.  Fun!!

What do you remember about snow days, or about playing with makeup or playing dress up?  How can that feeling of freedom and carefree creativity live in you now?